Jennifer Daly | Family Education Director at The Family Place | 5 Minute Read

Am I teaching my cat to jump on the counter?

You may ask yourself, what does this have to do with communicating with children? We will get to that in just a minute. Parenting is a tough job. It is not a 9-5 job offering benefits like retirement, health insurance, and PTO. It is a 24/7 lifelong, challenging, exciting, tiring, and rewarding job. No one received a manual when you became a parent. Unfortunately, no book exists on having a baby, adopting, becoming a stepparent, or fostering children. We do our best and hope for the best with the information we have.

When I started working with children and families 21 years ago, I heard this analogy about teaching a cat to jump on the counter. It goes like this: a man came home from work one day, and his cat jumped on the counter. He said “bad cat” and put the cat outside. The following day, the man came home, and again his cat jumped up on the counter. “Bad cat,” and the cat was put outside. This happened day after day until the man realized he had taught the cat that if it wanted to go outside, it had to jump up on the counter, and he would be put outside. 

Do we as parents ever teach our “cat” to jump on the counter? Do we essentially teach our children undesirable behavior by the way we communicate with them?  I would dare say “yes, we do”. 

Communication is essential to any relationship, including the parent/child relationship.  This is where we all learn the importance of clear communication. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines communication as exchanging information between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior (Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). We’ll break this down into two parts of communication: listening and verbal 

Listening

We were given two ears and one mouth. Maybe this was a subtle hint we should listen more than we talk. Listening to understand takes time and effort, but building relationships with our children is essential.  We as caregivers want to be the ones they come to when they are having a difficult time because they know we will listen. The less we listen, the less we know about our children.  I like to make sure I listen to others like my best friend.  No phones, TV, or any other distractions; they have my full attention.  I am not trying to think of what I will say next or the advice I may give; I am fully invested in what they say.  We need to do this with our children as well.

Sometimes we must complete something before we can sit down and give our undivided attention, which is okay. Explain to your child that you need a minute, and then you will be able to listen fully. The trick is you have to make sure you go and find them once you have completed what you were doing. If you do not follow up, they will stop coming to you, or you are teaching them to jump on the counter. We often say we can’t talk right now and don’t follow up, which invites their misbehaviors to get our attention. Children want to share and chat with us; we just need to show that we are willing to take the time to listen fully.

Verbal Communication

Verbal communication is anything we do that involves our voice box; this would include talking, singing, yelling, crying, whispering, etc.  There are many things we need to pay attention to when communicating verbally.  I came across this article, What to Do When Kids Don’t Listen: Practical Tips for Parents by Dr. Coulson, and it gave some great ideas to help us verbally communicate with children. I would like to discuss three things: keep it simple, repeat it, and find ways to say yes.

Keep it Simple

Dr. Coulson suggests using just a few words when requesting or giving directions.  Fewer words (2-3 words) are best for younger children. So, when we ask our toddlers to pick up their toys, we should say “put toys away”. Then we can model picking up the toys and putting them away.  Young children learn through repetition. Older children can handle more words in their request or direction, but keep it short and don’t turn it into a lecture; their eyes will glaze over 😊 Keep it simple so there are no misunderstandings.

Repeat it Back

The best way to know if your child is listening and understands you is to ask your child to repeat what you’ve just told them. This will let you know if you need to decrease the number of words or simply repeat your request. When they can repeat what you’ve said you know they have listened and they know you expect them to listen.

Find a Way to Say Yes

What is a baby’s first word after mama and dada?  A lot of times, it is “no,” and they love to repeat the word a lot.  We usually say no, even when the answer is yes; we just need something to happen before they receive what they have asked for. For example, when a child asks to go outside but does not have shoes, socks, and a coat, we may respond, “No, you don’t have your shoes and socks on, and it’s cold, and you need a coat”. We are okay with them going outside, but they must do those few things before they can go.  Next time, try, “yes, you can go outside as soon as your socks, shoes, and coat are on”. Children have a hard time processing “no” and redirecting their energy.

Communication is the most critical skill we can have in any relationship.  Communicating with children can be especially difficult due to their understanding and developmental stage.  With this knowledge, we must ensure we speak in a way our children will understand.  We need to keep things simple and make sure you are not giving too many steps in the directions you give your child.  Repeat back what they have requested or have them repeat back what they heard. We must also use “yes” more often than “no” and reframe our requests to answer yes.  Yes, you can have a cookie as soon as your dinner is done. Lastly, let’s ensure we listen intently and reduce the talking/lectures we do with our children. 

Parenting is tough, but we only have a limited time to teach our children. Let’s make sure we are communicating and raising our children in a positive, educated way, and not teaching the cat to jump on the counter😊

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Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Communication. In Merriam-Webster.com dictionary. Retrieved September 8, 2025, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/communication

Coulson, Dr Justin. “What to Do When Kids Don’t Listen: Practical Tips for Parents.” Happy Families, 8 Nov. 2024, happyfamilies.com.au/articles/what-to-do-when-kids-wont-listen.