Audrey Johansen | Family Educator | 5 Minute Read
A Call to Be: Pause Don’t Fix
How do you respond to a loved one when they are struggling? Sometimes, the best course of action is not to try and fix things, at least not immediately.
Obviously, safety always comes first. It is important to take immediate action and call for help in crisis situations. However, if immediate safety is secured and a loved one discloses something, it’s time to pause, not to fix.
Let me give you an example:
Recently, I was at a social gathering, and my old friend anxiety came a-knocking. I was getting tense in my seat, my breath came out gusty and shaky, and I was fidgeting and rubbing my arm constantly (a sure sign for me that something was going on internally).
My sister, sitting beside me, noticed the signs I was displaying, and I am so thankful for the way she responded!
First, she leaned over and asked if I was ok, and my mouth moved before my brain thought it through: “I’m fine.” I paused and reassessed and “no, no I’m not doing well.”
My sister could have jumped into fixing mode, here. She could have asked what she could do to help (not a bad response) or asked why I was feeling anxious, or tried to get me to leave the uncomfortable situation, or ignored it. Again, depending on the situation, not necessarily bad ways to address my emotions.
But instead of doing any of these things, she simply said: “I’m sorry you’re feeling that way.
“I’m here.”
Role of Connection
Research tells us that connection is healing. One study showed that a perception of active listening (feeling like your conversation partner truly focused on you) actually activated the reward system in participants’ brains! It made them feel more positive about the conversation and their experience with the other person (Kawamichi et al., 2014). Other research tells us that connection with others is linked to mental and physical health, longevity, and even resilience (Holt-Lunstad, 2024)!
Most mental health and suicide prevention programs also include connecting with others as a vital action step! In trauma recovery specifically, connection with others was shown to be an important protective factor. In addition, connecting is an important step regardless of the type or severity of the mental health challenge (Mental Health First Aid, 2023).
So what does this mean?
We Can Help
Taking time to listen, to give reassurance, and to authentically connect can help our loved ones! Our actions can help them feel positive emotions, decrease feelings of isolation, and help them reach out for help (Holt-Lunstad, 2024).
Brené Brown put it this way. Truly connecting with someone doesn’t mean watching them from above and offering solutions to their problems. It means allowing ourselves to climb down into the rut they’re stuck in, and being willing to sit with and feel with them (Brown, 2013). It means letting ourselves be in that hard moment with the person we care about, so that they aren’t alone in the dark.
Don’t get me wrong! Offering information about possible solutions is another important part of helping our loved ones. They can’t act if they don’t know how to do so. However, when we offer information after we take a moment to be with them, to help them feel truly seen, the interaction is much more likely to be successful.
After all, mental health is hard and often scary to talk about. If we don’t give our loved ones the space to talk about it, they may not find the right words. And being able to find and share those words is powerful! Emotion studies show that there is some level of instant relief that comes from acknowledging and labelling what we are feeling (Brackett, 2015). By listening, and helping our loved one feel seen, we are allowing them to get these scary feelings off of their chest, and access the beginnings of relief and healing.
Not to mention, by giving space to pause, rather than fix, we can show our confidence in our loved one’s ability to make decisions for themselves. We’re putting the power back in their hands. Which is a huge gift when life feels dark and we feel small.
Empowering Rather Than Fixing
After we have taken a moment to pause and listen, there are times where we may want to share potential solutions. It’s important to not try to force our loved ones to take a particular action. Again, if safety is a concern, it is always time to get professional help! However, if safety isn’t at immediate risk, we want to empower our loved ones to make choices rather than trying to fix things, or choose for them.
What does this look like?
It may look like using Mental Health First Aid’s SOY method to give some options for action. “For some, reaching out to 988 can be a good starting point; for others setting up an appointment to talk about mental health with their doctors can help; for you, it’s important to decide what works best.”
The goal is again, to pause and empower, rather than to fix. We want to connect and listen, and if we want to share our thoughts, we want to share a few different options our loved one may
consider. Remember, they know what they’re experiencing best! And when the choice comes from them (with your encouragement and guidance), it is much more likely to stick!
“I’m Here”
So. Back to my old friend anxiety.
I was feeling my agitation grow and grow, the social event was moving around me, and even though I wanted to finish out the event, I was struggling.
My sister noticed, reached out, and then said those words. “I’m here.”
In that moment, I felt an instant change in myself. My entire body deflated, and I felt peaceful warmth glowing in my chest.
My sister may not have known exactly how to help me, and she couldn’t take my anxiety away. But she let me know in that moment that she recognized my struggles. That they were real and valid and that I was not alone in them, because she was there and willing to sit with me through them.
My anxiety didn’t go away, and the event was still hard to sit through. But I felt empowered to follow through with my initial goal of staying, because I was supported and I was connected.
And when I was ready to talk through my emotions later that day, my sister was there for that too.
I hope you realize how powerful your quiet support can be for the people you care about. Your help matters, and your loved ones need you. So remember, when someone you care about it struggling, pause don’t fix. Listen to what they’re experiencing, connect and be willing to be in that space together. By being present, you can empower your loved ones to take positive steps toward healing.
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References
Brackett, M. A. (2020). Permission to feel: The power of emotional intelligence to achieve well-being and success. Celadon Books.
Holt‐Lunstad, J. (2024). Social Connection as a critical factor for mental and physical Health: Evidence, trends, challenges, and future implications. World Psychiatry, 23(3), 312–332. https://doi.org/10.1002/wps.21224
Kawamichi, H., Yoshihara, K., Sasaki, A. T., Sugawara, S. K., Tanabe, H. C., Shinohara, R., Sugisawa, Y., Tokutake, K., Mochizuki, Y., Anme, T., & Sadato, N. (2014). Perceiving active listening activates the reward system and improves the impression of relevant experiences. Social Neuroscience, 10(1), 16–26. https://doi.org/10.1080/17470919.2014.954732
Mental Health First Aid (MHFA) USA. 2023. Mental Health First Aid USA for Adults Assisting Adults. Washington, DC: National Council for Mental Wellbeing.
The RSA. (2013). Brené Brown on Empathy. YouTube. Retrieved October 2025, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw.
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